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It’s Game 3 of the Series, the count is 0-1 and you’re 0 for 9. You are due.
No, I’m not talking about A-Rod’s stats before his miraculous double-turned-homer from Saturday’s game. These are the stats of the average Northwestern guy on a typical night out.
The current female prospect is throwing strikes like Cole Hamels in Game 5 of the National League Championship Series.
Here comes the next pitch:
“I have to go find my friends.”
Ouch. It was only the second pitch and she struck you out looking.
Wait. What? This is baseball. You can’t strike out in only two pitches!
Unfortunately, boys, this isn’t real baseball. In this game, you don’t get three strikes before you’re out. Heck, you don’t even get the occasional walk to first anymore. You have to bring your A-game for every pitch and earn every base hit.
Girls are good at shutting guys down. Those little one-line rejections are like 100 mile-per-hour fastballs on the outside corner. You don’t even realize she threw the ball until she walks off the mound (or in this case off the dance floor) and the shame of a strikeout sinks in.
“Guys think they have three strikes,” said a female NU grad student. “And if a girl can shut (a guy) down in one pitch by being a (witch), it just shortens the game.”
This doesn’t seem right. How can you be expected to get a hit the minute you step up to the plate?
“It really isn’t fair,” said a male NU alum. “Girls don’t feel like they have time to waste on an entire at-bat, and guys feel entitled to their full time at the plate. Because the truth is, you can’t strike out in one pitch.”
Measuring the pitcher’s delivery takes at least a couple pitches and then there’s matching bat speed to delivery.
“It may not be his best material or his best day on the field, but shouldn’t he be given three attempts to hit it out of the park?” the alum asked.
Certainly girls could let guys stay alive at the plate, but five foul balls is just a waste of everyone’s time. Or girls can work their game well into the night to get free drinks until they are the Mariano Rivera of the rejection bullpen. I mean, who doesn’t want to be one of the best — if not the best — closers in the sorority (I mean, league?).
Girls are stepping up the competition and right now, I’m not seeing many Derek Jeters, Manny Ramirezs or Big Papis (regardless of steroids) up to the challenge. To get the girl you’re going to need more than a winning smile and the swagger of a champion.
So guys, you better hit the cages. If girls are just looking to improve their ERA, the game is only going to get more difficult. (Especially with the new replay technology — you might not get lucky like A-Rod.)
Medill junior Jill Mahen can be reached at j-mahen@northwestern.edu
I think all the single ladies should just get off their pedestal. Many of them are not as attractive as they think they are.
For your next column, you can provide advice to girls on how to be selectively slutty. Looks like you've got it all figured out, little lady.