Carroll: Finding a career to match my good name

A friend of mine recently told me she saw someone wearing a sweatshirt with the words "Carroll University." This is interesting for two reasons. Firstly, the friend in question is currently teaching English at an elementary school in South Korea, and the sweatshirt-wearer was one of her students. Secondly—and I don't mean to jump to conclusions inappropriately here—it seems to imply the existence of a school of higher education called Carroll University.

As a proud Carroll, this is exciting news to me. I only wish I knew about CU when I was applying for schools. Without meaning any offense to Northwestern, tuition here is way too expensive, classes are alternately boring and difficult, the food service guy at Norris put too much orange-ginger sauce in my stir-fry, and now my rice is drowning and it's gross. I have to imagine I'd be much happier at a school filled with like-minded Carrolls.

The real mystery is why my high school guidance counselor didn't mention it to me. Don't try to tell me she hadn't heard of it. Even people in South Korea know about Carroll!

Due to some gross oversight, the president of CU is a man named Douglas Hastad. I can't imagine why any institution would sink to the level of a Hastad when there is an abundance of fine, upstanding Carrolls willing to take on leadership positions.

Sure, football coach Pete Carroll is a little busy with the Seattle Seahawks, author Lewis Carroll is a little deceased, and actor Steve Carroll of "The Office" continues to misspell his own name and deny he's one of us, but the university board of directors hasn't even approached my sister, my dad or me. And given the two of them are otherwise occupied with running a children's science museum and doing something with supercomputers I've never quite understood, I figure it's only a matter of time before I wind up with the top job at CU.

My biggest change as president of the university would be to make tuition free for all Carrolls. I always assumed every college and university had a functionally equivalent policy in place. In fact, I strongly considered legally changing my name to Nate Northwestern before I applied here just to save money.

However, after a lengthy conversation with the financial aid office at CU (the number for which—I'm not making this up—is 1-800-CARROLL), it became clear it doesn't give free tuition to eponymous applicants. Also, whoever they've got running the phones down there is pretty rude and not at all receptive to helpful suggestions.

Hopefully the university board doesn't ask about my qualifications beyond being a Carroll. My previous leadership experience is negligible, unless you're generously giving credit for a brief stint as patrol leader in my Boy Scout troop. Just in case CU does turn down my bid for the presidency, I've made a backup plan: According to my research, there are 13

Carroll Counties in the U.S. At least one of those counties must be in need of a king, right?

Weinberg senior Nate Carroll can be reached at ntc238@u.northwestern.edu.