That silly V-word

By Allie Markowitz PLAY Columnist

If maturity was measured on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd definitely hover at the 3.7 range. I giggle when squeezy bottles make fart sounds, I can't say "testes" with a straight face and I'd certainly rather sit in a rec room basement finger painting unrecognizable pictures of my family than pretend to be actively engaged in discussion session.

So this whole vagina thing is really getting to me. What vagina thing, you ask? Well, look down at the flyers on the ground boldy displaying the word VAGINA. Look at the girls - and some brave men - wearing "I <3 NU Vagina" tees. Even conservative parents have pondered seeing "The Vagina Monologues."

When I jokingly suggested using "I <3 Vaginas" for a sorority shirt, I knew I'd crossed the line. But really, put the word back where it belongs - encyclopedias and delivery rooms.

I'm all for womens' rights and sexual safety, for empowering the word so as to minimize degrading words like "pussy" and "cunt," but is this the right pathway? The typical student sees the flyer on the ground, and rather than putting two and two together and thinking "Hmm, the word 'vagina' is so out in the open, it's about time I really thought long and hard about the many purposes of the organ, its true beauty, its meaning in society and immediately respect all women and their hidden sexualities," they just giggle or blush and continue to speed on by. Vagiiiina. Come on. It's funny. Say it slowly and it sounds like you're talking about a monster to rival Nessie. Say it quickly and forcefully and you sound like Attila the Hun giving orders. Girls can hardly say the word among themselves, we blush and then wonder if we sound like jaded 30-year-olds. "Vag," "Giner" and "Vajayjay" were popular terms in my high school clique. Rarely is there a qualm for girls or guys to say "penis" or "dick," but say vagina and it sounds so scientific, like a visit to a male gynecologist who insists on explaining every step to you. And don't even get me started on the utter creepiness of male gynecologists.

What's next in this revolution, this new phase of bringing back proper terminology while women are encouraged to express their sexuality like never before? Will porn adapt? Will we ass-hungry college students sit down to a quality pornographic flick, hear the typical boing-chicka-bowoww music, only to be followed by "Mmm, I can't wait for the warm embrace of your vagina around my penis!"

If a guy ever asked if he could see my vagina I would 1) go into minor shock, 2) laugh until I burned off dinner, then 3) run away really fast. Nothing turns me off more than a word your mother might use when you accidentally walk in on her naked at the tender age of three. Nice try, Romeo, better luck next time.

All in all, vagina just can't continue its out-in-the-open routine without me laughing and getting a tad embarrassed. I'm not secure enough in myself, mature enough or serious enough to wave my Vagina Flag proudly. And if that's me, there has to be others. I know I'm not the only 3.7 out there.

Medill junior Allie Markowitz is a PLAY sex columnist. She can be reached at a-markowitz2@northwestern.edu.