Self service

Trendspotters and cultural critics started buzzing about DIY eons ago. At the turn of the millennium, market-watch publications noted DIY (Do-It-Yourself) manifesting in the profitability of Home Depot and Lowe's, HGTV and Martha Stewart. ReadyMade magazine, dedicated to handmade projects and a hipster aesthetic, launched in 2001. CNN noted DIY T-shirts as one of the top college trends of 2005. Sometimes read as a backlash to standardized mass production, a return to traditional feminine homemaker roles, or an ecologically-minded method of reuse, DIY can be political. Or it can just be cheap and heartfelt. After invading realms of fashion and home improvement, why wouldn't the DIY wave extend itself to the bedroom?

But before you rummage your apartment for sexually-charged objects, remember basic health for your naughtyparts. Rinse all pesticides from produce by soaking it in a vinegar/water solution. To be safe, wrap everything in condoms. Unless you're holding on tightly, don't insert anything into the anus that doesn't have a plug, it vacuums things up. Sharp, breakable objects, like carrots, are a no-no. Vaginas don't like oil because it promotes bacterial infections, so lube with water- or silicone-based products. If you microwave a toy, check its temperature on your wrist before sending it anywhere fragile.

Vibrators: My favorite DIY vibrators utilize produce, which can be nuked or chilled for exciting variety. Unless you're an engineer, you'll need to augment your veggies with some type of vibrating motor to make them buzz; the easiest is a clit bullet with a handheld controller or a cell phone carefully wrapped in waterproof plastic. These toys require carving a hollow to hold the vibrating device. Recommended selections include: sweet potatoes, zucchini, cucumber, or Japanese eggplant. Self-made clit stimulators can also be added to veggie vibrators by carving spaces for baby carrot nubbins, celery extensions, or kale ticklers.

Dildos: Same idea as the vibrating variety, sans retail motors. Try using veggies or bananas, or try filling a condom with hot wax and letting it cool.

Anal toys: Toothbrush handles are famous. Borrow from the dildo ideas, and feel free to peel veggies to a manageable size.

Clit stimulators: Lube up a water balloon partially filled with warm water, and rub away. You can augment your existing clit bullet by carving it into small potatoes or starfruit.

Vagina simulators: Of course it's endlessly easy for men to find somewhere, anywhere, to stick it. Carve a hole slightly narrower and shorter than your penis into a pumpkin, melon or papaya (remember the nuke/chill trick). You can roll up a sock to push a lubricated latex glove inside. Then you can manually please yourself or use the sock as a protective sheath that allows you pound away at other dangerous crevices like the space under your mattress. Drill a hole in your bar of soap for shower fun. Fold damp sponges into a small cup. Experiment.

Have fun! Be safe! Destroy the evidence!